Olympics

it’s winter olympics season at the sparkler household, and that means it’s time to get angry and the god-aweful commentary for olympic sports. here are some of my favorites:

for some, this morning started with agony and shock.

someone had fallen off the cross-country track.

these are biathlon fans. they know when to cheer … when the target is hit!

piercing insight there, friend.

spillane looks solid for the gold if he can stand up right here. spillane’s got it … america breaks through!

actually, spillane did *not* get it. in all the jingo-istic excitement, the commentator seems to have missed that a frenchman came in first.

in the previous three olympics, this man has left with nothing but the memories.

… nothing besides a gold medal.

we have a deep russian team. then, the americans. then, the russians … that’s your trilogy.

russians, americans, russians. yup, that’s three.

he’s a bit the germaphobe … always taking purell around with him. he doesn’t drink except for the occasional swig of cognac to cleanse his mouth of germs.

tmi. not quite to the clintonian/jacksonian/woodsian level, but seriously … he can sleep upside down in a hyperbolic chamber, and it’s none of my/our/your business.

i wish i could just blame NBC as a whole (and i may later) but each one of these linguistic “gems” was said by the same man … NBC olympic commentator al trautwig.

if the name sounds familiar, it should.

he is the same #*&%$ who brought you grotesquely over-wrought commentary for NBC’s gymnastics coverage in Beijing (including his 2008 pièce-de-résistance, lamenting “a catastrophe of epic proportions” when Alicia Sacramone fell on a floor routine).

seriously, NBC … you’ve paid $3.5 billion for the rights to cover the Olympics since 1999, so maybe it’s about time you read the founding principles of the Games:

The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.

i don’t think it’s much of an exaggeration to say that mr. trautwig’s over-wrought hyperboles are undermining the very games he’s covering.

exiling trautwig from gymnastics to cross-country/biathalon coverage (while quite the statement about his perceived worth) isn’t enough. the problem is, he doesn’t have the commentary skills to cover little league matches in the Parkersburg, West Virginia.

if he’s under a contract you can’t get out of, let me suggest you transfer him to KXGN in Glendive, Montana. as a parking attendant.

i have to share… right now, if you google “nbc gymnastic commentators,” the search results feature my rant about the Olympic coverage from earlier this month as result #7. if you google “a disaster of epic proportions,” i’m result #5.

i don’t think i have ever been this cool in my life.

unlike the rest of the world, the Olympics aren’t wrapping up this weekend for the lady sparkler and I.

we’re only 200+ hours into the coverage, and have a solid 80 hours still to be watched on our tivo. (i know 200 hours sounds like a lot, but remember that one third of the coverage was commercials, and i swear another 20% was rowing or handball.)

from what i have heard, every one seems to think that the games were a solid “A+” for China, and so far I absolutely to agree.

unfortunately, i have started to hear some rumblings that the Olympics are starting to lose meaning. common talking points include:

the Olympics are from a more simplistic time — Since the 1972 Madrid crisis, national politics have mattered nearly as much as the sporting events themselves, and this year the games were held in China despite their miserable human rights record.

the Olympics promote rampant nationalism — there was an obsession about the total medal count (USA vs. China), an “our country is better than your country” measure if there ever was one. NBC’s coverage was pro-American to the point of being jingoistic (except for gymnastics, which was pro-Chinese once Al Trautwig finally shut up about the age of their women).

maybe there is some truth to this, but it seems to me that this is a bit simplistic. each of us watch the Olympics and take away exactly what we want to:

the internationalists see a great coming together of cultures to promote cooperation and understanding. the nationalists see a chance for us to prove our dominance in yet another arena. mommy-figure liberals see a reason to break out the kleenex box. daddy-figure conservatives see a reason to spend 2 weeks exploring the other 236 channels on their television.

george w. bush sees a chance to be relevant (and human) again.

sure, the coverage could be better. sure, the little sports (high jump, javelin, shooting) should get their due compared to the big sports (diving, beach volleyball, track). sure, tivo should be able to record all seven olympic channels at once and should be able to record more than 86 hours of coverage at once.

but, in the end, it’s been a kick-butt two weeks … even ignoring Michael Phelps (which a dark, hidden side of me was trying to do after medal five or so). i discovered a version of the Star Spangle Banner doesn’t sound like the British drinking song that it is. i discovered that the Chinese know how to party, and are freaky good at coordinated dance moves.

but, most poignantly, i discovered (finally) why every field hockey player i ever knew could crush me with their pinkie.

National Aquatics Center aka Water Cube, originally uploaded by vivelavodka.

a couple of observations from seven days of olympic coverage so far:

• archery — these bows have technology that rivals most nuclear missle silos. where are the purists that are complaining about the competative advantage of the new swimming suits?!?

• badminton — i some how managed to watch the u.s. lose all four of their competitions, and wasn’t able to muster much interest after that.

• beach vollyball — i swear. i am rooting for the men’s teams as much as the women’s teams. really. i promise.

• cycling — the woman’s road race was held in the worst rain storm i have ever seen. at one point towards the end, you couldn’t tell if they competitors were on a bicycle or a kayak.

• equestrian — dressage (the sport of walking a horse around a ring) is the most ridiculous “human” competition i have ever seen. they should give the medals to the horses, not the people holding up the top-hats.

• fencing — absolutely addictive. so far, this my curling for the beijing olympic games. bonus: the bulky outfits that the competitors wear helps “prove” that my interest in beach volleyball and field hockey have nothing to do with their sexy outfits.

• field hockey — awesome. i never knew this sport existed, outside of seeing girls at my high school in their pleated skirts. the worst player for worst team could put me in a hospital with their pinkie. that’s my kind of sport.

• gymnastics — oy, the commentators. don’t get me started.

• shooting — my first “cheer out load” moment came when an american snagged the bronze in trap shooting. unfortunately, it happened to be while i was “multitasking” at work.

• soccer — the men flamed out in the group stage, the women have advanced to the medal rounds. it’s nice to know that some things never change for the u.s. national teams.

• table tennis — despite all of nbc’s attempts to glamorize this sport, it’s still ping-pong. it will *always* be ping-pong. except it doesn’t have beer. (not a good thing.)

• water polo — i think i actually understand this as a sport now. before, i just thought of it as the only swimming activity that had headgear more ridiculous than synchronized swimming.

the serious winner from the olympics so far is the divine marriage of my tivo to the lady sparkler’s HD tv. it’s amazing how much difference the high-def “experience” actually makes, and (more importantly) how quickly you can watch a 24 hours worth of Olympic coverage when you “tivo” out the fluff pieces, the commercials, and the awful commentary…

just finished up the olympic women’s gymnastics team all-a-round competition … and we are *done* with the manic-depressive rantings that spew from nbc’s gymnastics commentators.

some snapshots:

• when Alicia Sacramone fell on a floor routine, it was a “a catastrophe of epic proportions.”
• when an men’s gymnast fell off the apparatus: “High bar 101, grab the bar.”
• apparently, japan and romania’s women “don’t show the proper respect for the olympics” by enjoying themselves on the gym floor, and they would be ultimately unsuccessful because they were “unfocused” (romania went on to medal).
• they won’t shut up about the age of the chinese gymnasts, saying at least three times that “nothing more need be said” about the controversy (if they would only *heed* this themselves).
• when the chinese started their final routine: “Pick your measure of pressure and multiply it by one point three billion.”

really, people. they weren’t negotiating a peace treaty. they weren’t transporting nuclear waste. this is a sport. frankly, Sacramone going to have all sorts of undeserved shrink bills even without your drama queen commentary. (we still love you, alicia…)

turns out that we aren’t the only haters. their are tons of nasty commentary about NBC’s lousy commentary.

anyway, we’re using the mute button from here on out.